Got yourself a shy guy in the sack? Don't worry, there's plenty you can do to bring him out of his shell.
Minerva asked New York City-based marriage counselor and sex therapist Brenda Lewis for some tips to raise your man’s sexual confidence and help create the love life you’ve been lusting after.
Be sexually confident
“Men are more confident in themselves when they have a partner who is comfortable with herself; is confident about her body and speaks up about what she wants and what she likes.” Consequently, you need to work on yourself before trying to work on your man.
First, get over the fact your thighs may jiggle a little or there's a mole on your shoulder. Whatever zaps your sexual confidence is a non-starter. The truth is, your partner probably doesn’t notice these self-perceived flaws anyway, and he's concentrating instead on your great butt or boobs, the bits that turn him on. That's just how a guy’s mind works–he's only focused on what turns him on.
If you're worried your sexual repertoire is getting stale, then pick up an instructional book or two, take a class at your local female-friendly adult store, or splurge on some hot new lingerie that makes you feel good when you slip it on. Fantasize a little, imagining the hot sex you want, and forget about the insecurities that hold you back.
Tell him what turns you on
When you are communicating what you like, the man isn't alone and wondering, thinking that he needs to read a training manual or Cosmo to work out how to make you happy. “Let him know that there is a connection there," says Lewis. "Speak up about what you want, and invite him to do the same in a polite and caring way, so there is mutuality in the way you communicate about sex.”
When he is doing something right, tell him or let him know by responding enthusiastically. If he is doing something that isn’t working for you, then gently guide him back to what you do like. Imagine sex as an intimate dance–it doesn't work well if one partner is doing a waltz and the other a tango. So, talk to each other and figure out the steps that work for both of you.
Talking about sex outside of the bedroom is a great way to find out things that he’d like to try. Build his confidence by telling him how much of a stud he was last night (or last week), or by saying that you’ve been fantasizing about him doing such and such to you. “Let him know that you are open to adventure and willing to try things,” says Lewis. "That really helps a man feel confident to express his needs."
Lola Augustine Brown
Lola Augustine Brown writes about sex and relationships for Cosmopolitan, Penthouse, FHM, Fashion, Flare and numerous other magazines. She also has a weekly column, Lola the Love Expert, on Sympatico.ca. Lola gained her expertise through real life experience and extensive research.